Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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