I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
