i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
