Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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