I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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