Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you win again, gameday.
He passed out mid-signature
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
