stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
