We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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