nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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