walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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