apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
