wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize