Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
