God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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