how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
