his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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