After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
