Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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