Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
