the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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