xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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