soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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