At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
In other news, I just burned my penis
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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