why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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