are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
