just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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