I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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