I wanna passion pit in your ass
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
