ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize