You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
