Fine. I'll sleep in my office
wakey wakey hands off snakey
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
How's work?
Spinning.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
