Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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