I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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