fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
