He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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