yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
