My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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