She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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