it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
