i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
