I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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