we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
this boner is exhausting
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
