we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
