Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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