The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
