I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
