turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
