he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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