please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
