it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
