Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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