so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
