The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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