well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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