I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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