The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
