I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
These tits shall not be calmed
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
