i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
