This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
