But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
