He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
