i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
